Room for Two (or More)
Family
The definition of family is diverse — it can include children, adopted or foster children, no children, pets, friends, or your extended family. What matters is that you share a clear, honest picture of what family means to each of you, and how you'll protect your relationship as the shape of your family changes.
Speed Dating — The Big Ideas
- Family is diverse — children, adopted children, foster children, no children, pets, friends, or extended family are all valid definitions.
- The decision to have children or not can be a deal breaker. Be honest and open about your wishes and how many children you envision. Don't enter a marriage assuming you can convince your partner later.
- The average cost to raise a child born in 2015 was $233,610, not including college.
- Your primary relationship is your relationship to each other.
- About two-thirds of couples experience a sharp drop in marital satisfaction shortly after a child is born — and the drop deepens with each subsequent child.
- To avoid this drop: fathers need to be involved in the pregnancy, birth, and baby care; conflict needs to be low; and you need to maintain your sexual relationship.
Preparation — Before the Date
Reflect on what you read in this chapter and any ideas it sparked about what family means to you, and what you'd like family to look like in your relationship.
Your reflection on this chapter — what stood out, what it brought up for you:
The Date
Logistics
Conversation topic
What does creating a family mean to each of us? Do we want children? How do we define family for our relationship?
Location
A park or playground, an amusement park, or anywhere else families gather. Find a quiet spot where you can see the family activities but still focus on each other (note: some parks and playgrounds don't allow entry without a child). If you'd rather talk over dinner, pick a family-friendly restaurant.
Suggestion: having children and families in your line of sight will either inspire the family you'd like to create together, or inspire you to recommit to whatever birth control you've chosen.
At-home date: each of you makes your favorite childhood dish — tater tots, macaroni and cheese, breakfast for dinner — and brings a photo of yourself as a child to share.
What to bring
Your ideas about what kind of family you'd like to have, and your ideas for making your relationship a priority if you choose to have children.
Troubleshooting
- Stay open-minded to your partner's views about family.
- Be honest about your desire to have children or not have children.
- Don't criticize your partner's family — in-laws, siblings, or close friends they consider family.
- If you already have children, appreciate your partner for their support as a coparent.
- Express your own values and needs, and never criticize your partner's values, needs, or parenting style.
Exercise · Open-Ended Questions
Write your own answers — they're saved privately to your account
For everyone
1. What does your ideal family look like? Just us? Us and friends and relatives? If you want children, how many would you like to have?
2. In what ways did your parents — or didn't they — maintain their closeness, love, and romance after having children?
For couples planning on having children
3. What problems do you think we might have maintaining our intimacy in our future family?
4. What do you think you will love about being parents together?
5. What characteristics or qualities of mine would you like our child to have?
For couples not planning on having children, or whose children are grown
6. How are we going to create a sense of family?
7. Who do you consider our closest family (friends or relatives)? What do you want to do to deepen our relationship with them?
Affirming Our Future Together
Read aloud to each other, maintaining eye contact
I commit to creating a loving family. If we do have children, I commit to avoiding destructive conflict and continuing to make our relationship a priority.