What Money Can (and Can't) Buy
Work & Money
Money issues aren't about dollars and cents — they're about what money means to each partner. Money is one of the top five issues that cause conflict in couples, and work can become the "third party" in a relationship, demanding time and energy. The goal of this date isn't to budget or plan; it's to understand each other's history, values, and dreams around work and money.
Speed Dating — The Big Ideas
- Stereotyping one of you as the Saver and the other as the Spender isn't helpful — each of you has a family history and instilled values.
- Your work is to understand each other, not to define each other or to force shared values.
- Balancing your relationship and your work is fundamental to the success of your marriage.
- After fidelity and a good sex life, couples report that sharing household tasks is the most important element of a successful marriage.
- When one partner is under enormous stress from work, it creates loneliness and emotional disconnection — it pulls people apart.
- Cultivate gratitude for what you have and the contribution each of you makes.
Preparation — Before the Date
- Think of three things you appreciate about your partner's paid and/or unpaid contribution to the wealth of the relationship or family. You'll share these at the start of the date.
- Complete the My Family History with Money questionnaire (below), separately.
- Complete the What Enough Money Means to Me questionnaire (below), separately.
Three things you appreciate about your partner's contribution to the wealth of the relationship (paid or unpaid):
Exercise 1 · My Family History with Money
Complete separately before the date, then discuss together
What did your maternal and paternal grandparents do for a living? How well off were your grandparents?
What did your parents do for a living? How well off were your parents?
What were your parents' attitudes about money? How did you view these parental ideas as a child?
Did your parents feel comfortable spending money? How did you view this as a child?
Did your parents save money or invest? How did you view this as a child?
Did your family take vacations or travel together when you were growing up? How did you view these as a child? Was money discussed?
Did your family entertain? How did you view this as a child?
Did your family engage in philanthropy or charitable activities?
As a child did you have an allowance? How did you view this as a child?
What is your own work history?
What does money mean to you personally, and why?
Did your parents celebrate your birthdays? Did you feel special? Did you have a birthday cake? Did that fact matter to you as a child?
How did your parents show you they were proud of you? Or didn't they?
Did you get presents at holidays? Did that fact matter to you as a child?
What did your parents teach you about money? How do you feel about those teachings now?
What did your family's history teach you about money? What's your attitude now?
What were your family's values about money? What did you agree with, and what did you disagree with?
What is your most painful money memory? Tell the story to your partner.
What is your happiest or best money memory? Tell the story to your partner.
Exercise 2 · What Enough Money Means to Me
Rate each statement — saved privately as you go
5 = Strongly Agree · 4 = Agree · 3 = Neither Agree nor Disagree · 2 = Disagree · 1 = Strongly Disagree
For me, having enough money means…
Which statements resonated most strongly for you? What did that reveal about what money means to you?
Exercise 3 · Managing Time
When one partner's work schedule compromises your time together
Often our identity, our purpose, and our self-worth can get tied into "what we do," and this compels us to work long hours. But consistent long hours come at a price — emotional disconnection puts the relationship at risk. Take each set of questions in turn.
For the partner working long hours
What does your work mean to you?
What pleasure or satisfaction does work bring to you?
What need does working fulfill in your life?
How would you spend your day if money was no object and you didn't have to work?
For the partner frustrated by the long hours
What does your partner's absence mean to you?
What do you miss about your partner when they're gone so much?
What are you longing for — emotional, physical, intellectual, or spiritual connection?
The Date
Logistics
Conversation topic
How do we each bring value to the relationship? What is our history with work and money, and what does having enough money mean to each of us?
Location
This date should cost nothing or as little as possible. If your income has increased since you started dating, do something similar to what you did when you had less. If you choose a restaurant, pick one where you feel financially comfortable ordering anything on the menu.
Suggestions: sit in the lobby of a five-star hotel; pack a picnic and head to a park with a blanket; or stay home, order from your favorite take-out, use the good china, and pamper yourselves with at-home luxury.
What to bring
Your answers to both questionnaires, so you can compare and discuss. Come prepared to share your financial stories and your separate histories and values around work and money.
Troubleshooting
- This date isn't about budgets, spending, or numbers — it's about meaning.
- Refrain from judging your partner's values about money. There is no right or wrong way to think about money.
- Never minimize the stress of your partner's work.
- Be honest about what you do and don't do at home — don't measure your work against your partner's.
- Allow yourself to dream about money. Focus on what you have, not past mistakes.
- When your partner shares their dreams, don't disagree or dismiss. Listen, affirm, and ask questions.
Exercise 4 · Open-Ended Questions
The heart of the date conversation
1. Share three things you appreciate about your partner's contribution to the wealth of the relationship — paid or unpaid.
2. Discuss your answers from both questionnaires.
3. Discuss what you have that you are grateful for.
4. How do you feel about work now? How do you imagine your work changing in the future?
5. What is your biggest fear around money?
6. What do you need to feel safe talking about how you spend or how you make money?
7. On a scale from 1 to 10 (1 = never, 10 = always), how often do you think about money?
8. How can I help you feel secure when you are worried about money?
9. What are your hopes and dreams about money?
Affirming Our Future Together
Read aloud to each other, maintaining eye contact
I commit to respecting your values around money and work, and working together toward a shared financial goal.
The Gottmans emphasize: you don't have to agree on everything — you have to understand each other. The numbers come later; the meaning comes first.